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What does our children’s and young people’s work, look like in a shared community? 
The thoughts of a children’s and young people’s worker.

Written by Andrew Howard.

What do we do with boundaries in our children’s and youth work?  We want the children and young people to have a good time, we want them to listen to us and respect us and we want them to be friends with us and someone they can trust. 

What do we do with boundaries, so that our clubs run well but also give the children and young people we work with the ability to create boundaries that will help them in their own lives and help them to belong in the group, not just attend?

Let’s consider for a moment what we understand a boundary to be.  Henry Cloud[i] describes a boundary as “anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else, or shows where you begin and end.”  When we think about this it relates to our personal space, our immediate physical body or a wider view of ownership, what belongs to me and what does not. 

I think that within the groups we run we can sometimes get too involved with establishing boundaries that focus on behaviour and structure that we can miss the call from the Bible to become a community of people who follow God.  Knowing our personal boundaries is important but I think that within our work with children and young people there is something more going on, we are not just helping children to create their own personal boundaries we are modelling and encouraging them to think about what it means to be part of a group that exists together, a group that wants to follow God.  I think that what we are searching for are the shared boundaries we need to live together as a community.

Imagine for a moment a typical street where each person’s property is clearly defined by fences or walls running along their boundary lines.  There is no need for any contact between neighbours regarding were one person’s property ends and another begins.  Now imagine a street where there are no walls or fences, instead there is a shared social area which each household has ownership of.  There is still a need for boundaries but they will be boundaries that need to be agreed upon; there is a need for social interaction, compromise and agreement.  The boundaries are no longer individual but communal.  I suggest that it is this second image that we want our groups to be like; a community of people who have a shared understanding of what it means to be together in their group.

To begin to create such an understanding I would like to offer some suggestions.

You need to start with the team. 

As leaders you will need to work through and reflect upon what it means for you as a team to be a community and not a group of individuals.   Having experience within the team in listening and talking to each other, being valued and encouraged, compromising and agreeing, will be necessary if you are to pass on and model these behaviours to the children and young people.

A shared identity

You will need to discuss and share an understanding of the identity of the group.  What is its function, what does it value, what are the expectations on its members. With this understanding how will the team pass this on to the members of the club so they want to take part and behave as part of a community.

A community that respects each other.

This is where an awareness of personal boundaries comes into play.  Knowing your own boundaries is the first step; the second step is respecting the boundaries of the other members. This will be a journey of helping the children and young people develop their existing boundaries and create new boundaries in how they treat and respect others. 

In community, ‘u’ comes before ‘i’

When you begin to work out the boundaries that are needed within your group, boundaries that are formed out of humility and love (by this I mean the needs of others are considered before your needs) are going to be the most practical and more likely to benefit the group.

Our boundaries, both personal and communal need to be flexible.  Henry Cloud[ii] writes that boundaries are not walls.  The bible does not say that we are to be ‘walled off’ from others; in fact, it says that we are to be “one” with them (John 17:11).  We are to be in community with them.  But in every community, all members have their own space and property.  The important thing is that property lines be permeable enough to allow passing and strong enough to keep out danger.

To build walls, as Henry describes them, whether they are physical or metaphorical they achieve the same goal, they separate us from others and you don’t have to change what you think as walls do not move.  A group life is harder but it is a life spent with others.  There will be times when your boundaries are crossed, there will be a constant need to look at your boundaries and decide how they can change to best serve the group.  Key aspects of creating community boundaries will be discussion and compromise, you will need to develop skills in pastoral and co-operative leadership as I do not think that the traditional authoritative style of leadership will be helpful in setting communal boundaries.

Where does your group fit within the wider Christian church?  Your group maybe run by members of a church, or it might be linked to several churches.   I think that you need to know how your group links into the wider community of the Christian Church and how these links demonstrate healthy relationships and values being part of something bigger than itself.

May you take the next steps to meet with others and take time to think and discuss what it means to live with communal boundaries, may you explore ways of passing on communal boundaries to your group and may you begin an exciting journey together, helping and encouraging the children and young people you work with.

Further Reading

Cloud H, Townsend J, Boundaries: when to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992)

Cloud H, Townsend J, Boundaries with kids: when to say yes, when to say no to help your children gain control of their lives (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1998)

Whitfield C.L. Boundaries and relationships: knowing, protecting, and enjoying the self (Florida: Health Communications Inc, 1993) Chapter 17 ‘Spirituality, letting go of boundaries and limits’